Developing Independence
Mary-Anne Jasinski, Elementary Principal

For most children the desire to do things on their own increases naturally with age. Pride in achievement and a desire to please adults usually motivate the development of self-help skills and increased independence.

Children who are encouraged to be independent become more self-assured and responsible and show greater initiative and confidence in their play and learning. Those who are not given opportunities to develop these skills become increasingly dependent on the support of others, may experience frustration or fear when faced with new tasks or challenges, and may have difficulties taking responsibility for their own actions.

Adults can support the development of independence and self-help skills by providing realistic expectations, opportunities for practice, appropriate supervision and ongoing encouragement. Allowing children to take responsibility for themselves and their belongings whenever possible often takes more time and is messier than doing things for them, but they learn much more from doing things for themselves and experiencing the positive and negative consequences of the choices they’ve made.

What are developmentally appropriate expectations?

Kindergarten years (3-5 year olds)

• Encourage participation in daily self-care routines including eating, bathing, dressing, toileting and brushing teeth. Give your child the utensils to do the job (cutlery, chop sticks, “Sippy” cups or plastic cups and dishes, face cloths, a foot stool, wet wipes, a toothbrush) and use another set to provide support. Not allowing them to participate in self-care tasks hinders their ability to learn to do so.
• Provide clothing and shoes that are easy to put on and remove (e.g. Velcro shoes, pull up pants). Teach them to lay the shirt or jacket on the floor and flip it up over their head to put it on. A dress up box is a fun way to practice ties, buttons, zips and buckles.
• Use “backward chaining” for difficult tasks. Have your child complete the very last step of the task, then add in the second last step and so on. This works well for dressing activities (e.g. start the zipper and let them finish pulling it up; put the sock on part way and let them pull it up).
• Allow plenty of time for your child to complete the task and resist criticizing or quickly rescuing if they are struggling.
• Give your child daily chores to complete, such as setting the table or putting their clean laundry away.
• Expect children to clean up after themselves. Offer assistance, but do not do the job for them without their participation.
• Expect your child to pack their school backpack in the morning and unpack it in the evening. Provide a place for the items to be placed to support this routine.
• Expect your child to carry his/her own backpack to and from school and the car.
• Allow your child to line up with their class and go into the school with their teachers without your help. Arrive on time to support this routine.
• Teach your child to walk with you or hold your hand rather than holding them by the arm and directing them. This helps them to learn to stay near/with an adult rather than needing to be guided by the adult.
• Support your child to use words to make requests, describe their feelings, and solve problems. Provide a model if they are unsure of the words (e.g. “You could say I don’t like it when you take away my toy.”)

Division I (6-8 year olds)

• As cognitive abilities develop along with physical skills, your child can handle a bit more freedom and more responsibility and will take pride in his contributions at home and at school.
• Break new and more complex tasks down into smaller steps that can be explained or demonstrated.
• Independent dressing and grooming should be expected at this age, with minimal assistance for problem situations (e.g. something caught in a zipper).
• Daily chores can be more complex and more varied.
• Helping younger siblings provides opportunities to foster pride in the older child and builds closer relationships between siblings.
• Assisting in pet care is appropriate and rewarding.
• Acknowledge your child’s achievements and praise positive behavior and efforts to be independent, even when his/her attempts are not entirely successful.
• Provide supervised opportunities to interact and play with others outside of the family. Give time and support to resolve conflicts positively.
• Solving problems, negotiating conflict and learning from mistakes are important contributors to social success. It can be helpful to listen to your child talk about a possible solution for getting something done without correcting them or giving them the solution. This process helps them to discover their own solution.
• Give reminders to your child to complete their homework in a supervised location, but avoid doing the work for them. If they are confused or unable to complete the work for some reason, write a note to the teacher to explain the problem.
• Children of this age can help with meal preparations and are more likely to eat their lunch if they have participated in preparing and packing it.
• End of day routines including cleaning up can be completed independently with either minimal supervision, or a check in when completed.
• As your child learns to read, let them read the nightly bedtime story to you or take turns reading lines/pages.
• Allow your child to line up with their class and go into the school with classmates and teachers without your help. Arrive on time to support this routine. If your child has forgotten something at home or you are dropping off a lunch, leave it at the office rather than taking it directly to the classroom. Wait for your child at a designated meeting space outside in the playground area at the end of the school day. If they are staying for after school activities, meet them in the front hallway.

Division II (9 – 12 year olds)

• Children of this age benefit from opportunities to have their own space and be responsible for themselves without intense supervision, however they do still need to check in regularly with an adult and will still need support.
• Give your child opportunities to make decisions and take responsibility with guidance and encouragement.
• Discuss problem-solving actions. This follow up shows children the effectiveness of their decision-making and actions.
• Help your child learn to manage their own time by keeping track of school assignments, projects and deadlines. Check in with them regularly to ensure they are meeting deadlines and provide increased support as required.
• Provide options and choices as much as possible. Remember, with increased freedom comes increased responsibility. Hold your child accountable for their choices.
• Teach your child to finish what they have started. Even small tasks should be completed. Abandoning activities mid-way does not support the development of personal responsibility.
• Praise your child and acknowledge their positive behavior. When a child feels their cooperation is valued, they have incentive to continue with this behavior and have less need for attention seeking, unacceptable behavior.
• Provide time and space to complete homework activities. Check as necessary.
• Ask open-ended questions that encourage your child to predict, hypothesize, express their ideas and opinions and draw conclusions.
• Monitor your child’s activities with friends outside of your home and the school grounds.
• Internet access should be available in a public place (such as the kitchen), and needs to be monitored.
• Encourage your child to try new things and expose them to new skills and experiences.
• Model positive, constructive and respectful interactions with others. Encourage your child to discuss their feelings and consider how others might feel in conflict situations.
• Support your child to help others and volunteer their time in your community and in the school.
In the early and middle childhood years many foundational life skills are developing. These skills are essential for equipping individuals with the capacity to deal with ups and downs in their every day lives. Taking the time to develop your child’s independence is worth the time and effort it involves, and it teaches children to be cooperative, capable members of the family, the school community and society in general.